Who the hell knows.
Peace of mind? Direction? Self confidence?
Only time will tell.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Hi. My Name's Faith. What's Yours?
I used to blog a LOT. But then I changed jobs and suddenly life got so busy there wasn't time for blogging. I've missed it. Somehow, though, that old blog just isn't calling to me. It's there waiting for me, and maybe if the time is ever right, I'll go back and revisit it. For now, though, here I am.
So what's on my mind today? It's been boiling around in my brain for a few days now. I think I have a fairly healthy self-image, for the most part. I look in the mirror and most days feel like I look pretty good. Not great, but pretty good, all things considered. There are some people in my life, though, who just have to look at me a certain way they have, and suddenly I feel homely beyond all description. And, worse, every now and then I try to take a selfie. Some people can take the cutest selfies ever, and you see them and think, "how adorable!" Man, not me. I don't know if it's the angle, the lighting, or what, but when I try taking a selfie I first gasp in dismay, then laugh, then try to make the most ridiculous faces possible until I give up and delete (if I ever even saved it to begin with).
My point here is that what I see in the display of my phone or my tablet or on the face of someone I care about is so vastly different from what I see in the mirror.
Which Faith is the real Faith? The laughing person who crosses her eyes at her reflection and admires her hair, turns sideways to see if her outfit is more or less flattering? Or the one whose green eyes droop down at the outer corners and whose bovine face is glowering (unintentionally, I assure you!!) at the camera?
I hope, and would like to think, that it's the former. I will guarantee you that the Faith I feel like inside is far more like the girl laughing at herself in the mirror.
But just realizing how differently I see myself makes me wonder how other people see me. Am I homely? I asked a trusted friend that today, promising that I wasn't fishing for compliments. She answered me straight up. I'm average looking. I've got gorgeous eyes that she thinks I should play up more. I've got the normal features, put together the way they should be. Nothing wrong with that.
Why this yearning for beauty? How much of it is because of what is inside of me, and how much of it is because of what I see reflected around me? Baz Luhrmann famously admonished people not to read beauty magazines--"they will only make you feel ugly." And I've looked at enough pre- and post-Photoshop pictures to know that even the images that are before our eyes every day don't necessarily have a lot of bearing in reality.
I also know that the more I know and love someone, the more attractive they are to me, regardless of what my initial impressions may have been. I'm thinking of someone now who, when I first met him, I thought he was really good-looking. As I've gotten to know him much better, I still find him attractive, but I see the goofiness that was always there. If I were to describe him to someone, I might say that he's kind of funny-looking, in a cute way. How much of that is his actual physical appearance and how much of that is attributable to the fact that I know him so much better is a moot point. I adore him. And I find him attractive because he is an attractive personality.
Don't get me wrong--I've got the guys that I figuratively drool over. David Tennant, anyone? Benedict Cumberbatch? But their hotness--for me--isn't just physical. It's again their personalities shining through their beautiful features. I saw a photo just the other day of David Tennant hugging a kid dressed in a Dalek costume. How can that not be hot?
So boil it down to bare essentials. I've got two eyes. That's a good start. They're green, and I have dark eyelashes that never quite regained the thickness I had before I burned them off years ago (long story). I've got a mouth, two lips just like I'm supposed to have. I have a nose. Two ears. All the limbs are where they should be, fingers and toes, everything works mostly as it should. I'm fat. Working on becoming less so, but there it is. My eyes droop at the outer edges, and I find it very unattractive. And my mouth is small. Crooked teeth.
That's all biology and genetics. That has nothing to do with who I am.
I laugh a lot, and I laugh loudly. I'm nerdy. I love to read, love to write, love to create. I love to hop into other people's lives and try them on like new suits of clothing, and then take them off and try on something else. I like to play. I like to cook and I'd rather do almost anything than clean. I'm Wonder Woman without the 22" waist and the mile-high legs. I'm awesome.
That's not bragging. How can it be bragging when it's the truth?
My point is, though, that I bet you're awesome. Most people are. Heck, I guess everyone is awesome, in his or her unique way. My life is full of awesome people who brighten it up every day. Thanks for being one of my awesome peeps!
Faith out!
So what's on my mind today? It's been boiling around in my brain for a few days now. I think I have a fairly healthy self-image, for the most part. I look in the mirror and most days feel like I look pretty good. Not great, but pretty good, all things considered. There are some people in my life, though, who just have to look at me a certain way they have, and suddenly I feel homely beyond all description. And, worse, every now and then I try to take a selfie. Some people can take the cutest selfies ever, and you see them and think, "how adorable!" Man, not me. I don't know if it's the angle, the lighting, or what, but when I try taking a selfie I first gasp in dismay, then laugh, then try to make the most ridiculous faces possible until I give up and delete (if I ever even saved it to begin with).
My point here is that what I see in the display of my phone or my tablet or on the face of someone I care about is so vastly different from what I see in the mirror.
Which Faith is the real Faith? The laughing person who crosses her eyes at her reflection and admires her hair, turns sideways to see if her outfit is more or less flattering? Or the one whose green eyes droop down at the outer corners and whose bovine face is glowering (unintentionally, I assure you!!) at the camera?
I hope, and would like to think, that it's the former. I will guarantee you that the Faith I feel like inside is far more like the girl laughing at herself in the mirror.
But just realizing how differently I see myself makes me wonder how other people see me. Am I homely? I asked a trusted friend that today, promising that I wasn't fishing for compliments. She answered me straight up. I'm average looking. I've got gorgeous eyes that she thinks I should play up more. I've got the normal features, put together the way they should be. Nothing wrong with that.
Why this yearning for beauty? How much of it is because of what is inside of me, and how much of it is because of what I see reflected around me? Baz Luhrmann famously admonished people not to read beauty magazines--"they will only make you feel ugly." And I've looked at enough pre- and post-Photoshop pictures to know that even the images that are before our eyes every day don't necessarily have a lot of bearing in reality.
I also know that the more I know and love someone, the more attractive they are to me, regardless of what my initial impressions may have been. I'm thinking of someone now who, when I first met him, I thought he was really good-looking. As I've gotten to know him much better, I still find him attractive, but I see the goofiness that was always there. If I were to describe him to someone, I might say that he's kind of funny-looking, in a cute way. How much of that is his actual physical appearance and how much of that is attributable to the fact that I know him so much better is a moot point. I adore him. And I find him attractive because he is an attractive personality.
Don't get me wrong--I've got the guys that I figuratively drool over. David Tennant, anyone? Benedict Cumberbatch? But their hotness--for me--isn't just physical. It's again their personalities shining through their beautiful features. I saw a photo just the other day of David Tennant hugging a kid dressed in a Dalek costume. How can that not be hot?
So boil it down to bare essentials. I've got two eyes. That's a good start. They're green, and I have dark eyelashes that never quite regained the thickness I had before I burned them off years ago (long story). I've got a mouth, two lips just like I'm supposed to have. I have a nose. Two ears. All the limbs are where they should be, fingers and toes, everything works mostly as it should. I'm fat. Working on becoming less so, but there it is. My eyes droop at the outer edges, and I find it very unattractive. And my mouth is small. Crooked teeth.
That's all biology and genetics. That has nothing to do with who I am.
I laugh a lot, and I laugh loudly. I'm nerdy. I love to read, love to write, love to create. I love to hop into other people's lives and try them on like new suits of clothing, and then take them off and try on something else. I like to play. I like to cook and I'd rather do almost anything than clean. I'm Wonder Woman without the 22" waist and the mile-high legs. I'm awesome.
That's not bragging. How can it be bragging when it's the truth?
My point is, though, that I bet you're awesome. Most people are. Heck, I guess everyone is awesome, in his or her unique way. My life is full of awesome people who brighten it up every day. Thanks for being one of my awesome peeps!
Faith out!
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